Christmas is just days away and I hope you are finding some time to get into the festive spirit, wind down and enjoy yourself.

This is is also a good time to reflect upon this last year and think about what you have achieved and learned and also what you would like to happen in 2010.

An effective way to get clear about what you want is to write a letter describing what it would take for you to be happy.  Here are some questions to help you:

1.  What characteristics would you like to adopt for 2010?

This time last year I decided that I wanted to lose weight and get super fit and healthy.  In order to do this I needed to become more self-loving, self-disciplined and determined.  Self-loving included cutting down on the amount of alcohol I drank and eating less saturated fat, sugar and salt.

This year I want to be someone who tackles paperwork so I want to be someone who is more personally effective, organised, productive and efficient.

What do you want to achieve in 2010 and what characteristics will you need to bring out of yourself in order to achieve your goals?  It might help you to think about someone who has already achieved what you want to achieve.  It could be a friend, a colleague and someone you respect and admire.   What characteristics and qualities do they have that helped them to achieve what they did?

2. What energy drains do you want to get out of the way?

You know the ones…those irritating things that pile up and nag away at your peace of mind. From clearing out underneath the kitchen sink to making that difficult phone call these jobs can sap our happiness.  Often, the thought of doing them is far more daunting that actually taking the action.

I had been putting off doing my tax return all year.  Then last week I decided to just get it out of the way.  It only took a few hours and I felt great afterwards.  This  small task had been getting on my nerves for months!  Anyway, lesson learned – I am no longer going to put up with these niggling energy drains.

So what are your energy drains?  Ask yourself: “Why am I putting up with these?”  Then  commit to clearing them one by one, starting with the one that will make the most difference.  You will be amazed at the difference you will feel once you complete these tasks.

3. How can you live more consciously?

As human beings we have the ability to do amazing things and be amazing people.  What makes you feel good about being human? How can you live so that your life is rewarding and fulfilling and you are at choice, living consciously and feeling good because you are doing what is right for you and being the best that you can?  Not having to be perfect, mind you, just being the best version of you?

In 2010 I want to make an extra effort to reduce my carbon footprint.  I want to stop eating fish and seafood and go fully vegetarian.

What choices do you want to make in your life that will make you happy?  How can you express that?  What would be the manifestation of that choice? Do you want to write that novel or book that will entertain or help others? Do you want to take a course or study to do the work you love? Do you want to live according to your most deeply held values?

4. What positive difference do you want to make in the world?

I think we all feel a need to make a difference to the world, to be a positive influence or make positive change.  If you had a message to give to the world what would that be?

5. What would be your perfect weekend?

This is a question I ask of my coaching clients.  Starting on Friday night and going right through to Sunday night think about  your absolutely perfect weekend.  Who would you spend it with? and What would you do?

You can do whatever you want…have a relaxing time, or go out dancing all weekend.

How can you bring this alive for you?

I would love to hear what makes you happy.  Please share using the comments box below. 

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This post is written for anybody who may not be looking forward to spending Christmas on their own.

If you have experience of spending Christmas on your own and can offer any other tips or suggestions then it would be great if you could pass them on.

I have spent several Christmases on my own. The first time, I was not really looking forward to it.  I was single, I’d just moved into my own flat and I had no close family to spend Christmas with.  After the initial, realisation and sadness that I really was going to be on my own, I decided that I was going to get through the day and have as good a time as I could.  I ended up having a really good day and choose to spend Christmas on my own for several years afterwards until I got married.

I think learning to be on my own at Christmas has actually made me more resourceful and self-reliant.

If you really don’t want to spend Christmas day on your own then you have several alternatives. You could go on holiday where there are lots of other single people.  I spent one Christmas as a single person on a tiny island designed for backpackers and travellers off the coast of Fiji.  I woke up at 5am on a wonderfully warm and sunny Christmas day, wandered down to the beach, sat on the sand and dipped my toes in the water.  It was great fun, very beautiful and very spiritual. There were back-packers there aged from 17 to 70!

Or you could spend the day as a volunteer perhaps working with the homeless or with animals in shelters. Giving of your time and your energy can be very satisfying.

I think there is so much pressure and expectation to have a fun and jolly Christmas surrounded by a loving family that if you are on your own you can feel lonely and at odds with everyone else.

So, here are my tips to survive (and dare I say even enjoy) Christmas on your own:

1. De-clutter and clean up

Start now to have a good clean up and de-clutter.  De-cluttering tends to have a therapeutic effect and makes you feel good. Getting into action also tends to help you to lift your mood.

2. Plan Your Christmas meals

Plan what you are going to eat and drink over the festive season, including breakfasts.  If you will be spending Christmas Eve at home don’t forget to have something nice for that as well. If you don’t feel like cooking then you can always get ready meals.  On my Christmas Day, I would have a lovely breakfast. Then I had a glass (or two) of Champagne while I cooked my dinner.  You don’t have to cook traditional Christmas Food.  This is your day, you can have whatever you want.  If you are drinking alcohol though, please remember to eat something even if it’s just snacks so that you don’t just get drunk and morbid.

3. Buy Yourself A Present or Two!

Treat yourself to a present or two and wrap it up so you have something to open on Christmas Day.   I always used to buy myself some cosy socks and new lingerie.

4. Plan what You Are Going To Do

Plan what you are going to do – watch TV, listen to music, play dvd’s or playstation games, or you can go online to chat with others on different forums, facebook or twitter.  Or curl up with a good book.  Do not watch sad films or listen to sad music!  Find something to make you laugh.

5.  Start the day off well

Open the blinds to let the light in. If it’s mild enough then open a window even just for a short time to freshen the room. Have a lovely bubble bath or shower, wear aftershave or perfume, makeup, and get dressed.  I have spent the day in my jammies however I always have a lovely bubble bath beforehand, and do my hair and make-up before putting on my cosy socks.

6.  Dance Like No One Is Watching!

Put on some up-beat music and dance like no-one is watching. Okay if you don’t like dancing then how about going out for a short walk?  It will lift your mood and bring a rosy glow to your cheeks.

7. Don’t Assume Everyone Else Is Having A Better Time

It would be great if we all came from loving families who got on well with each other.  The truth is for a lot of people being thrown together with people who at any other time of the year you wouldn’t normally hang out with can be very stressful.  If your mind starts to wander off in this direction then make a list of everything good about being on your own from having control of the tv remote to eating what you want. You might well be having the best time of all!

I remember the first time I spent Christmas on my own I did feel a wave of sadness that I was on my own and I had a little cry.  I found that I felt better afterwards and together with some loving self-talk I was able to move on and enjoy the rest of the day.  This might sound strange but I do talk to myself on lots of occasions!  It really does help.  Bringing yourself back to the present moment by engaging in some activity can help to centre you.

8.  Don’t Allow Other People To Feel Sorry For You!

I stopped telling some people that I would be on my own.  While it’s lovely to be invited to spend Christmas with others sometimes well meaning friends expressed dismay that I would be spending Christmas on my own, assumed that I was going to be miserable and extended clumsy invitations.  I appreciated the sentiment but while the first time took a bit of getting used to, after that I enjoyed and looked forward to having this time to myself. The truth is I would much rather spend Christmas on my own, in my own home, with my own things around me than be somewhere else where people perhaps invited me because they felt sorry for me.  Of course, receiving a phone-call on the day to wish me Merry Christmas was always very welcome.

9. Create A Cosy Atmosphere

Later on in the day create a cosy atmosphere. Fairy lights can create a lovely warm and welcoming atmosphere along with lovely spicy scents.  I used to get and decorate a Christmas Tree but if you are not into Christmas decorations then candles or a nice fire give off a lovely glow.

10. Things Change

You may have heard the phrase: This Too Shall Pass.  You may be alone today but this could change.  So take each Christmas Day as it comes. I started off not looking forward to spending Christmas on my own and ended up looking forward to having this time to myself.  Very self-indulgent!

I will be around here on Christmas Day and I would really like to hear how your day is going or if you have any tips or suggestions for others.  It would be really good to hear from you.

Related article:

4 Methods to Feel Happier

Useful Links:

Samaritans – for confidential, non judgement emotional support

Befrienders Worldwide – for emotional support for people in distress

Shelter – To volunteer in England

Shelter – the housing and homelessness charity

To me, the act of fulfillment is in the journey and the adventures we have along the way.

In the six years I have been coaching I have yet to have a client come to me and say “I want to be Fulfilled”. Yet I suspect,  just as I discovered, that this is in fact what people are searching for.  We want to feel truly alive, living in the now, dancing in the moment and to have purpose and meaning in our lives.

Being fulfilled is not the same as being happy or feeling good, rather, it’s more a case of  fulfillment leading you to being happy. In essence being fullfilled is to be fully alive.

Here are 3 tips to help you to experience being fully alive and being fulfilled:

1. Be the Captain Of Your Own Ship

According to a study carried out by psychologists at the University of Missouri-Columbia,money and influence were the least reasons given for being happy.  The psychologists interviewed 700 students in the U.S. and Korea about what were their most satisfying experiences and what they discovered was:

“Attaining popularity or money or influence and luxury is not what makes people the happiest and is at the bottom of the list of psychological needs”

At the top of the list of needs are:

• autonomy
• feeling that your activities are self-chosen and self-endorsed
• being true to yourself

When we are  self-directed and living our lives ‘on purpose’ we are fulfilled. We are contributing and making a difference in a way that brings us satisfaction.  Getting clear about how you want to live your life, what impact you want to make and how you want to express your gifts and talents can be a powerful guide and driver toward what you really want from your life and work.  It’s like you have made a conscious decision, you are at choice. It feels very powerful and exciting. People who are on purpose shine with an unmistakable light.

Living your life on purpose does not mean that you have to be self sacrificing.  I believe that you will make more of a positive difference if you first of all think about what brings you joy.  What activities do you enjoy doing?  What are your interests?

What do you want to do that would bring you joy?  What thrills you?  What will it take for you to be fully alive?

2. Live By Your Values

Being fulfilled and living by your own personal values is considered to be a radical act. It is radical because not many people actually do this.  Living by your values may mean that you rock the boat.  You may experience some discomfort, if, as a result of a decision you make, other people are upset with you. You might decide to follow your heart’s desire and as a result you may not earn as much money as you used to. You might have to go through the stress and discomfort of learning something new in order to find a new job that you love.  Yet doing what is right for you, living by our own values and not someone else’s will lead you to being fulfilled.

Here are some questions to help you to discover some of your values:

1. When were you so absorped that you didn’t notice the passing of time? What were you doing? How did you feel?

2. What could you not live without? And why? (examples of  some values are: love, family life, money, fun, peace of mind, respect)

3. What are two things you must have at work in order to be happy? (examples of some values are: good salary? respect? recognition? personal achievement? ethical company? interesting activities? good training?)

It’s usual for people to have different sets of values, it’s what makes you as a person. Be true to yourself. You’ll be much happier if you do.

Once you get a good idea about what you value in your life you need to ask yourself if that value is being honoured in your life today.  So if you had a strong value around  say, ‘creativity’ and you had little creative input at work or in your personal life then ask yourself: “what will it take to bring that value alive for me?”

Our values are not set in stone and can change as we grow, so check in with yourself every now and again.

3. Don’t give up on your goals

Recent research shows that fulfillment and the resulting happiness can be achieved through struggle.  According to  new research published online in November 2009 in the Journal of Happiness Studies:

“People who work hard at improving a skill or ability, such as mastering a math problem or learning to drive, may experience stress in the moment, but experience greater happiness on a daily basis and longer term, the study suggests.”

Ryan Howell, assistant professor of psychology at San Francisco State University said:  “People often give up their goals because they are stressful, but we found that there is benefit at the end of the day from learning to do something well. And what’s striking is that you don’t have to reach your goal to see the benefits to your happiness and well-being.”

Feeling that you are effective in your activities can bring about a sense of fulfillment.

Do you have any goals that you would like to revisit?

I recently took part in an on-line  happiness experiment conducted by psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman.  (Head of a research unit at the University of Hertfordshire in the UK.)   Over 26,000 people took part in the experiment.

At the beginning of the experiment we all had to complete a short questionnaire asking how happy we usually were.  We were then randomly split into 5 groups. 4 of the groups were assigned a popular method for boosting happiness with the 5th group being the control.

At the end of the 5 days we had to report back about how much more happier we felt than at the start of the experiment.

Here are the 4 popular happiness boosting methods used in the experiment and the first findings by Professor Wiseman.

1. Acts of Kindness (often called Random Acts of Kindness)

The idea is that each day you carry out a random act of kindness such as phoning a friend in need, picking up litter, donating to a good cause, helping someone who is struggling with luggage or a baby’s buggy.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing – sometimes the smallest gesture can really brighten up someone’s day.

2. Practicing Gratitude

Make a list of everything you have in your life to be grateful for such as, a beautiful sunset, a sunny day, a loving relationship,  the rain for the garden, enough food to eat, somewhere warm and safe to live.

3. Power of Smiling

I’ve mentioned this before in earlier posts but smiling and laughter is very therapeutic.  For the purposes of this experiment Professor Wiseman suggests that each day we smile and hold it for a few seconds.

4. Happy Memories

This is the group I was assigned to.  For one minute each day  I was to think of something that went well the day before.  It could be anything like having a lovely cup of coffee, catching the bus on time, someone telling you they love you or something going well at work.

The 5th control group had to just think about the day before – not about anything in particular – just the day before.

Interestingly, the first findings by Professor Wiseman  suggested that everyone in all the groups, including the control group reported a rise in happiness.  However, the people who followed method No. 4, “Happy Memories”  reported the greatest increase in their level of happiness.

He goes on to say that there could be other factors involved here such as the weather so it is impossible at this stage to say whether this is the most effective method.  The full results will be published at a future date and I’ll update you then.

Although I regularly practice all the methods listed here and find that they all help to lighten my mood and increase my happiness, I too found the 4th method, “Happy Memories”,  to be the most effective method for giving me a happiness boost.

Why not give these methods a go and let me know here how you get on and which one is the most effective. I would suggest you try the method for at least 5 days.

Do you have a favourite method for boosting your happiness level?  Please share it in the comments section below and help spread the happiness!

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A common reason for people coming into coaching is because they are unhappy or unsatisfied with some aspect of their work and they want to change jobs or careers.

Sometimes changing jobs or career is not the answer.  Sometimes all it takes is a change of perspective – looking at your job in a different way or resolving a relationship issue with a colleague.

However, even if you have decided that you want to leave your current work, being positive about it now will help you to make a smoother transition.  You will be  building instead of burning bridges,  you will be leaving a good impression behind which will help with references,  and feeling positive and happy can help you be successful in your future job search.

In addition,  a recent study by psychology researchers at a Kansas State University shows that employees who have a positive experience at work and are invigorated, dedicated  and engaged in what they are doing, carry over their feelings into their home life. This in turn leads them to have better moods and a more satisfying and happier home life because they feel more able to have healthier family interactions. *

Satoris Culbertson, assistant professor of psychology of the K-State research group said: “Our research indicated that individuals who were engaged in positive experiences at work and who shared those experiences with significant others perceived themselves as better able to deal with issues at home, became better companions and became more effective overall in the home environment.”

The ‘engagement’  Professor Culbertson refers to is positive work involvement and not negative forms of job involvement like being a workaholic or work addict.

Here are 7 ways to help you to have a more positive work experience:

1.  Think about what you have to be grateful for in your current work.

Thinking about things you are grateful for can help you to focus on abundance and not lack.  Take a piece of paper and write down everything you have to be grateful for in your current job. It could be good working hours,  helpful and friendly colleagues,  interesting work,  a great boss,  easy commute,  great canteen,  or having met the love of your life at the water-cooler.  Every day spend a few moments thinking about an aspect of your current work that you are grateful for.

2.  Make a list of everything your current work gives you.

Your current work could give you a sense of purpose, have wonderful learning opportunities, the opportunity to travel,  work experience in your area of interest, great training,  a way to keep you physically and mentally active or give you enough money to enable you to pay bills, buy food, develop a hobby or interest.  One of my early jobs was working for the BBC in radio production.  The money was by no means good and to begin with I had to take a second job in a pub to make ends meet, however I loved the creative, fun atmosphere of working in radio and it gave me a sense of being involved in often quite special and unique events.  So although having money is good, it might not necessarily be the most important factor when it comes down to job satisfaction.

3. Think about the things you enjoy in your present job.

Think about the activities and tasks you enjoy doing in your current job and also think about the people you enjoy working with and the skills you enjoy using.  Another important aspect is to consider what personal values are being honoured in this role – such as creativity, being of service, being respected.  What else?

4. Think about the things you are achieving at work now.

Think about the things you are proud of or you enjoyed doing or were especially difficult to do but you did it anyway.  Think of  things that often go unacknowledged,  such as going out of your way to help a customer or colleague,  being good at raising morale within a team,  generating new ideas which lead to new improved levels of service or a better standard of product.

5. Think about how you could be more engaged at work.

Some of the ways you can become more engaged is no matter what your job is, resolve to do it to the best of your ability. Take pride in your work,  contribute positively, become a problem solver, commit to excellence, walk your talk.  This doesn’t mean you take on so many tasks that you become overwhelmed and burn out.  If this is the case then see, point 6 below.

6. Think about one thing you could improve in your current job.  What would it be?

If there is one thing you could improve in your current work then you probably already know what it is.  Is there anything stopping you from taking action?  What will you gain if the improvement happened?  What needs to happen to resolve it?

7. Look for opportunities to develop your role at work.

Take an active approach in developing your role at work to make it more interesting and engaging.  Are there training courses you could go on to help you to reach the next level?  What about self-funded external training to gain new skills to create an opportunity for yourself in your current job or make it more manageable?  Do you have an area of ability that could give you a unique role in your place of work?   If you are self employed what needs to happen to keep up your level of interest and engagement?

Do you find that your experience at work affects your home life?  How do you cope?  Do you have any techniques to share?

Other related posts:

Is it time to leave your job?

4 Methods to help you to feel happier

Career Coaching Programme

Special note for Employers:

Assistant Professor Culbertson said:  “organisations could build on these findings and intervene in the workplace. She said that it is important for organisations to help employees balance their work and personal lives. Prior research has shown that people who report high levels of work-family conflict tend to also report experiencing lower job satisfaction, poorer health, lower job performance and a greater likelihood of leaving the organisation. Thus, helping employees helps the organisation”.

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Reference:

* The K-State research group included Clive Fullagar, professor of psychology; Satoris Culbertson, assistant professor of psychology; and Maura Mills, graduate student in psychology, Manhattan. They presented the research in April 2009 at the annual conference for Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology in New Orleans. The study was partially funded by K-State’s Center for Engagement and Community Development.